A black storm

Where do I put it inwards or outwards.

Inwards and I self harm, get lost in circular thought, obsess.

Outwards is so terrifying. I can’t possibly let all that loose on the outside world, it might do damage, hurt someone, get me into trouble.

Better to keep it in. Store it. Let it fester until I burst and destroy……. something.

Funny how it comes out of a blue sky. I feel like I’m a small boat on a calm sea, not a cloud in the sky, so where did that storm come from, I can’t feel the rain or wind and yet I’m drowning suddenly, unexpectedly.

Even before the drowning started I don’t feel safe, know that something is not right, I should put on a life jacket, call for help.
Don’t be ridiculous everything is fine. You’re making a fuss.
I gasp for breath while the current pulls me under and think,
‘How could I not see it coming. I knew deep down. That unease.’

And I shut the door on the blind world and see myself. ANGRY.
So angry that I need to do something to dispel the ball of unbearable fury before it turns into the blackness that stays and eats into my every waking moment and makes me want to kill myself.

 

Advertisements

One thought on “A black storm

  1. You are brave. Unless you live the nightmare or have someone close to you struggling, you can’t begin to understand the pain. You are bleeding from a wound that cannot be seen. Stay strong! Loved ones want to help but are helpless. Prayers

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s