I met up with a friend this morning and we discussed how to access various forms of support. There are some counselling services made available by employers and provide a 24/7 helpline. My friend phoned one and they didn’t even pick up. When chased up on it they promised to phone back but didn’t. So, my friend went to see her doctor, who wasn’t blessed with the best listening skills. She was let down by support services.. badly.
The problem is that when people need help, by the very nature of needing help are not in a position to look after themselves. When I know what exactly is wrong, what is the cause of the problem and what I need……AND can say all that out loud to a stranger – well by then I’m starting to recover. Why is that so hard to answer such simple questions.
What is wrong
Knowing and naming my demons, is so hard. Much of the time I think it is ‘low level’ depression. But is there such a thing ? It bubbles away at the back of my mind but can turn in a flash to really high level darkness. I think that when it feels low level, actually I’m just not owning it. Then I suddenly completely see it for what it is, full blown terror/ anger/ self-destruct button pulsating red. Most of my most dangerous times (life threatening) have been when I don’t own the darkness, then can’t quite understand how I found myself on the brink of self harm / suicide. So when I’m asked what is wrong, when I’m in a denial place, the dangerous place, I can’t yet see it and give a useful answer.
What is the cause of the problem
In my head when in a crisis the cause of the problem might seem very clear, but with the passage of time it can look very different. I tend to mumble apologetic causes and feel they aren’t good enough to justify feeling the way I do.
What do you need
Would a doctor expect a patient to know what the exact surgery/ antibiotic / therapy was the best for themselves….. so how can I be expected to know when I’m in crisis ?
Conclusion – when I call for help – I need to be helped to ask for help.