I know now that when I have the thought, ‘it all feels so mundane’ I should be careful, there could be dangerous times ahead.
Mundane for me means ordinary, nothing special, endless. Sometimes I feel that’s what life is. The thing is I know life isn’t mundane. But today….
Today going about my work and home life I was struck by how it felt very dreary and that I don’t really choose to have more of this. The mistake I’ve made in the past is that I’ve discounted such thoughts as the idle background chatter of my head and not important. In the past I’ve then been taken by surprise by the suicidal thoughts crashing in seemingly out of the blue.
What makes life feel not mundane – connection.
Is it too much to ask for there to be someone I can connect with in life ?
It clearly is, I mean I have friends and colleagues, but the feeling of real connection is so rare. Emotional honesty, therapists and counsellors call it congruence, is the life blood that surges through the best relationships and I hanker for it like an addiction. The few places I’ve found it in my life have been rare. I wish I had a friend in my life that would understand congruence and have it as their way of being – these people are so rare, so precious.
Another factor is that I am in the process of reducing my medication. I know this is probably significant, but the side effects of what I’m on do make life harder (have been for a while now, gradualy tapering off that last 6 months or so). My choice is wade through life under the fog of medication or walk more easily through a life whose reality cuts me to shreds. I can no longer face the weight of the side effects and I’ve been on soo many different things I’m really not up for trying anything new. So I feel it should be life without meds.
But it is so hard – the reality, the mundane nature of days that stretch into the future.
So, things that make me feel better, connection and medication. But medication just slightly anaesthetises, connection heals.