Darkness that feels permanent

In the last few years it could be said that I’ve ‘come to consciousness’. Meaning that I”m more self aware and that I stay in the moment, some of the time. I’d like to think it was most of the time but I know that actually I stay in the moment for fleeting moments.

But the flip side of this is the darkness. Previously I knew this as a foggy confusion. Now I see it – I name my demons. Depression, suicidal ideation, despair.

For the physicists among you, I see it as ‘intensity is conserved’. Meaning that however good I feel in one moment is matched and balanced by the darkness I may feel in another. It can taint my positive moments but doesn’t really lift my darkness.

I’m there just now. There is a recess of my consciousness knows that it is the flip side to knowing real joy. But it is so dark. My worry is that in a moment of weakness / impulsivity / despair that I’ll do something that I regret. I do want to live, but sometimes it is so hard. Like now. It’s a ‘What’s the point !’ moment. I may derive much meaning from some moments. but this particular one feels hopeless.

The isolation feels complete.

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7 thoughts on “Darkness that feels permanent

  1. Being confused is not realizing that you are confused. I think those recognize their confusion are a step up from those do not. Many live in the illusion that they are happy when they are confused what happy is.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. And all this leads me to beleive that the healing starts and ends with the sharing of the story. In trust, both are on the same level. Anything other than that usually gets no where. The only thing that is exchanged is lots of money.

    Liked by 1 person

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