In the last few years it could be said that I’ve ‘come to consciousness’. Meaning that I”m more self aware and that I stay in the moment, some of the time. I’d like to think it was most of the time but I know that actually I stay in the moment for fleeting moments.
But the flip side of this is the darkness. Previously I knew this as a foggy confusion. Now I see it – I name my demons. Depression, suicidal ideation, despair.
For the physicists among you, I see it as ‘intensity is conserved’. Meaning that however good I feel in one moment is matched and balanced by the darkness I may feel in another. It can taint my positive moments but doesn’t really lift my darkness.
I’m there just now. There is a recess of my consciousness knows that it is the flip side to knowing real joy. But it is so dark. My worry is that in a moment of weakness / impulsivity / despair that I’ll do something that I regret. I do want to live, but sometimes it is so hard. Like now. It’s a ‘What’s the point !’ moment. I may derive much meaning from some moments. but this particular one feels hopeless.
The isolation feels complete.
Shouting into the silence 
Being confused is not realizing that you are confused. I think those recognize their confusion are a step up from those do not. Many live in the illusion that they are happy when they are confused what happy is.
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I agree, I suppose also that knowing when you are unhappy becomes a bit darker with that kind of clarity. At least it feels like that to me.
Thank you for that comments. They make sense in a confused world.
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I am believer that insanity is up to subjective opinion. Attempting to label people is oppressive.
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Absolutely !
After spending time in a psych ward I came to the conclusion that there was more ‘sanity’ inside the ward than outside, in terms of people being conscious of their own motivations.
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Quite awhile ago, I was there too. One had to wonder if some of the staff should have been patients. Pretty crazy shit.
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Yeah know what you mean. I wrote about it on my other blog here. I never quite looked at the world that same again – in a good way I think. It was all strangely life affirming.
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And all this leads me to beleive that the healing starts and ends with the sharing of the story. In trust, both are on the same level. Anything other than that usually gets no where. The only thing that is exchanged is lots of money.
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