Really – do I have to just keep going !

In response to Writing 101, Blogging U course.

Ok stream of consciousness – I’ve to write for 20 minutes then press ‘Publish’.

So it’s going to be messy, no editing, no finely honed phrases. I’ve permission to been ordered to be carefree.

The thing is this….

It’s a bit like meditation – the breathing one where you just watch yourself breathe in and out. But I start having thoughts about thoughts about thoughts, like Russian dolls. Each thought I always perceive as the outermost Russian doll only to find that actually the following thought was watching the one before.

Here I’m writing and watching myself be ‘carefree’ and by definition I’m being care -full. So I suppose it is hard to be spontaneous on demand.

Spontaneous on demand – also known as – awkward fun. Team building days when we’re asked to take certain ideas and express them however we wish, someone always jumps up and says ‘I know let’s do a dance’ and I shrivel up inside while it seems everyone else leaps to their feet and says ‘Oh yes lets’.

So maybe it’s only me that finds difficulty with spontaneous carefreeness.

I’m sure it’s not.

Really – really – do I have to just keep going…. my first spout of words is drying up. I know !  Is this the point where I come out with something really good ? Yeah right.

Looking at myself in the mirror that is facing me just now I realise that I am not ready for the outside world today. I don’t feel or look presentable.

It is interesting therefore that I however do choose to present a stream of consciousness to a potentially large number of readers. When I don’t feel I can present myself to a shop assistant to buy milk just now.

I’ve frequently pondered on the blogosphere and how it feels like a safe place. It is the place I bring my ‘stuff’. Nobody I know in the ‘real’ world reads this blog. I would change the content if they did. There is something unique about knowing that your words will be read but not knowing any of the people that read them.

I have a relationship with various bloggers, we chat, acknowledge each others’ blogs in our posts – but for all I know I have passed them in the street, neither of us would know. Much of my content is of a dark nature, I talk about depression, self harm and suicide frequently. New readers take note.

In the risk of repeating some of the content of my About page, I will try to describe why I blog.

I need somewhere to vent my stuff. I live mostly very functionally and seem well. Much of the time my head is full of loud unpleasant thoughts, so loud that I sometimes wonder how come other people can’t hear it.

The process of passing the stuff through all the filters and getting it down into writing seems to help. The added bonus that it is actually read and that I get feedback is huge. It helps me to remember who I am, and not who I present to the ‘real’ world.

So, getting to the end of my 20 minutes and desperately trying to wrap up neatly.
Messy, verbose, dark and a little meandering, in 20 minutes this is who I am.

Thank you for listening.


8 thoughts on “Really – do I have to just keep going !

  1. I begin my blog as an escape from my real world and I am pouring whatever I feel in the blog that I am afraid if someone I know read the blog. But com to this day, i still write my feeling to someone, anonymously, in my blog but when that someone read the post, I secretly feel relieved. Sharing the post to my fellows without telling them that the post is about them is my guilty pleasure now.

    Oh my God, I am rambling about my self in your comment section, I am so sorry. Maybe it’s happen because your blog feels like home to me.

    and yes, I love the angle you choose in this post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Feel free to ramble here to you heart’s content! I’m flattered that it feels like home.
      I know what you mean when you say you’re relieved when someone does read your posts even though it’s sort of secret.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi! Nice first post ^^
    Just like in your case, there isn’t people from my “real” world, who knows that my blog exists. And in a ways, you sound just like me or I sound like you. I don’t know 🙂
    But it feels good knowing that I’m not the only one 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thoughts like Russian dolls.
    I really like how you worded that. I enjoyed how you worded more than that, too. This piece is very visual and relate-able. Keep writing. You’ve got a gift, Coffee.


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