Noisy Medication

I am a musician and sound is significant to me. Pitch, rhythm, timbre I notice it all. I hear the regularity of footsteps and how some people seem to pound the ground as they walk what energy they spend on each step, I often stop to ponder wonder why.

So it is not that strange that one of the ways I have experienced anxiety and depression is as a kind of background noise. I saw one person on Twitter refer to it as a kind of tinnitus. In my darkest times my head feels very noisy, I don’t hallucinate as such, but somehow I can’t hear myself think. At the worst points my head is bursting with undecipherable screaming and shouting.

Once, after meditating – Mindfulness of Breathing – I suddenly was aware of silence in my head. It was as if I’d taken off very loud headphones. The relief was enormous. My muscles  relaxed and everything felt okay.

I do take medication over the years different kinds. One thing about medication is that is feels a bit like background music. It increases the noise in my head, but sometimes that’s a good thing because it helps to drown out the hiss of depression. But, when I’m feeling better I become aware of the noise from the medication, the muzak suddenly becomes annoying.

Just now my head is quite quiet and I’m aware of the fact, I feel well. That’s the other thing. The whole idea of noise is something I’m only aware of when it stops then, I frequently have another thought at the same time. Somehow, I know it was a part of me all along making all the noise.

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One thought on “Noisy Medication

  1. I really like the opening to this post. I’m also a musician and fight depression and anxiety and constantly find myself analyzing little things that include patterns, rhythm, sounds or absence of. Depression often feels like a never ending hiss and continuous feedback in my head, it doesn’t go away. Even with the meds I try and am currently taking, I feel it only quiets the feedback itself. Im glad to hear you’re doing better, I love your writing style, going to follow to keep up with future posts. Keep fighting the fight friend. And know you’re not alone in this.

    I run a blog on mental illness called “Dear Hope”, join the community here: wemustbebroken.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

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