Free writing

Writing101 free writing 400 words

Typos and spelling mistakes are left in for the sake of honesty.

Four hundred words free writing

So my day, left me with feeling tearful, cross, connected. Lots of work with people that have crashingly different feelings all melding together into a loud noise of, just, well people. The sum of two people being in a room is soo soo much more than just 2×1 somehow. what I bring into a room then someone else comes in and I am constantly second guessing their second guessing me. the third person in the room is the indefinable thing that happens between two people. This third thing is noisier the more the people try to understand each other and it drowns them both out, it stops them from hearing the other person because they are so busy trying to hear their own reaction to the other porson int he room.

Almost being not well enough to work. Almost but not quite, running to the bathroom to almost cry, almost but not quite. I can’t quite get it out that huge pain of something that I want everyone to see. Most of all I want myself to see it and I can’t.

How many other people in the crowded room have an invisible pain that they want to but can’t share. More than just me I’m sure.

I pass my day angry, sad, frightened, cycling through so many feelings, most of them I don’t even notice at the time. How can I make any kind of sense to another person when I’m not sure what my own feelings about anything are. I ignore fear the most, then it comes out as anger. Agression, when actually it is me feeling frightened. Is the loudest dog actually frightened. Is the growling and snarling from a fearsome dog just the same as my bad temper – both covering up fear and simultaneously driving away the possibility of contact.

the emptiness that comes after chasing away friends is particularly strong. I don’t mean to snap or dismiss, actually what I’m wanting to do is make contact and be held. Ahh to be held. I don’t know if I’ll ever be held again. It is the fantasy, therapists would say that I should hold myself. That nobody else can hold me, be my mother, father best friend. I need to find that all within myself. I wish I could.

Nearly at the end of 400 words. I am surprised where I ended up.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Free writing

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s