All sponteneity from now on will be scheduled

Writing day 15 prompt 

So my favourite moments in life are the ones that are unexpected belly laughs at life.

These are to be forbidden and rescheduled under the heading

Planned awkward fun

-the cosmic police-

I am so cross – my real voice here is fighting with my vanity. Vanity would make it sound more intellectual.

  • I don’t want to know the time or place that I will meet someone and share a moment.
  • I don’t care if the planned moment is lot of fun or really intimate.
  • I want the moment to be a surprise  – to creep up on me from behind and shout boo so I scream.

I am angry that cosmic control freaks have conspired against me.

Hear me I am angry !

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WHERE I PUT MY ANGER (A BAD DAY)

Getting up I feel uneasy,
Off to work just keep going.

Through the morning rude white knuckles
Nearly lunchtime just keep working.

No tolerance for empty chatter.
Is it anger? Just keep moving.

Jealous me or boastful colleagues?
Doesn’t matter just keep breathing.

Sharpened edges hurt my vision,
Angry filter just keep filming.

Nearly done, lost aspirations.
Mediocre, just keep working.

Hours over, head for home,
Re-run failures just keep running.

Rapid cycles, anger, numbness.
Guilty! Useless! Just keep peddling.

STOP!

No more movement, turn it inwards,
Unspent forces wrapped in fuse wire.

Head exploding close the hatches
Black collapsing, world compressing.

All that matter, down to pin size,
Tiny dot holds all my feelings.

Gone… ?

This is for Writing 201:Poetry
Ballade
Epistrophe

A black storm

Where do I put it inwards or outwards.

Inwards and I self harm, get lost in circular thought, obsess.

Outwards is so terrifying. I can’t possibly let all that loose on the outside world, it might do damage, hurt someone, get me into trouble.

Better to keep it in. Store it. Let it fester until I burst and destroy……. something.

Funny how it comes out of a blue sky. I feel like I’m a small boat on a calm sea, not a cloud in the sky, so where did that storm come from, I can’t feel the rain or wind and yet I’m drowning suddenly, unexpectedly.

Even before the drowning started I don’t feel safe, know that something is not right, I should put on a life jacket, call for help.
Don’t be ridiculous everything is fine. You’re making a fuss.
I gasp for breath while the current pulls me under and think,
‘How could I not see it coming. I knew deep down. That unease.’

And I shut the door on the blind world and see myself. ANGRY.
So angry that I need to do something to dispel the ball of unbearable fury before it turns into the blackness that stays and eats into my every waking moment and makes me want to kill myself.

 

About Anger

For years I didn’t really feel anything.
I thought I was accepting of my lot in life. But, I hadn’t actually let any feelings in.

But now….   Well at the moment anger is burning me up.

I know the following….
– that accepting / embracing a feeling can help it to move
– that any feeling can be welcomed as a gift of life

But it is just so hard, embracing anger feels so counter intuitive.

A dish straight out of the oven burns my bare hands, holding anger is like keeping that dish in my hands.
It hurts I want to drop it.