One of my worst fears
In a style distinct from my own.
I’m not quite sure what my style is, so to deliberately do something different is difficult.
But here goes.
I am afraid of fear itself, the chest tightening sensation that travels to my gut and makes me feel sick with presentiment.
So I avoid it. I’m a coward, choosing to turn away from looking people in the eye if I feel their disapproval and hesitate before speaking the truth in a meeting hoping the other will change the subject or say it for me.
The anxiety that I experience is the fear of fear. Anticipation of something that has not yet and may not happen ever. I live in the future. And fear it.
As I write this I realise how useless it is to expend my energies thus.
Does that mean I can stop it and be useful, probably not.
But, maybe if I have an awareness of my actions then there is a possibility of changing them.