A black storm

Where do I put it inwards or outwards.

Inwards and I self harm, get lost in circular thought, obsess.

Outwards is so terrifying. I can’t possibly let all that loose on the outside world, it might do damage, hurt someone, get me into trouble.

Better to keep it in. Store it. Let it fester until I burst and destroy……. something.

Funny how it comes out of a blue sky. I feel like I’m a small boat on a calm sea, not a cloud in the sky, so where did that storm come from, I can’t feel the rain or wind and yet I’m drowning suddenly, unexpectedly.

Even before the drowning started I don’t feel safe, know that something is not right, I should put on a life jacket, call for help.
Don’t be ridiculous everything is fine. You’re making a fuss.
I gasp for breath while the current pulls me under and think,
‘How could I not see it coming. I knew deep down. That unease.’

And I shut the door on the blind world and see myself. ANGRY.
So angry that I need to do something to dispel the ball of unbearable fury before it turns into the blackness that stays and eats into my every waking moment and makes me want to kill myself.

 

When pain makes me feel better

So when I’m in physical pain I tend to feel psychologically better. I’ve never really clarified this in my head until I read Joy Curtis’ post on the subject. It made so much sense.

I need to point out that the source of physical pain I’m talking about here is not chronic or the result of a terminal or life threatening illness.

I can be on the lowest of lows I mean really low, dangerously low – ward admittance low. A strange part of my lows is that I look fine – it is now in my medical notes that I’m high functioning but can be a danger to myself and don’t present in a way that psychiatric staff expect (see my other blog for anecdote about that). I’ve had support teams in my living room saying ‘well you look fine’.
Yes don’t I.

Then pain  –  illness. I take to my bed. I feel awful…… and start to realise that I have found some real compassion for myself, because my pain is ‘real’. In this moment I know I’m not well, I’m in pain, I need to look after myself.

When it was psychological I believed none of that and now when I own my physical pain I start to own the psychological too. And I feel better.
A lot better.
Tons better.
I mean I start actually feeling happy.
Very happy.

A comment from TV series: House – half remembered, but you get the gist.

Cessation of extreme pain can cause euphoria

Is that what is happening ? Maybe. Can phenomena from physiological pain be applied to psychological ?

Dunno but it’s kind of interesting.
Thanks Joy 

A not so good variant of that experience is self harm.
I have been there. There is definitely an element of this going on with my self harm. Owning and seeing my own pain, but it is so mixed in with guilt / shame and knowing that the very nature of the activity is not looking after myself.

I’ve no cures for psychological pain here – I do not advocate self harm – I do not advocate being in pain.
But I feel a bit clearer on a few things.

I can almost feel new neural pathways building themselves

Quote

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Easy Fix.” To finish a post with the words “and all was right with the world”

Not my usual flavour of mood.
But sometimes I lift out of the darkness and have the weirdest sensation – almost physical – in my head like my neurones are connecting with brand new pathways – I can almost feel new neural pathways building themselves.

The feeling of opening and not closing – note I didn’t say ‘open’ or ‘closed’. The strongest sensation is of being in the process, not having arrived at a state.

I have a dalliance with buddhism. From afar – I don’t know that I can participate in organised spiritual activity. But I have read and read
Writers that have moved me the most:-

– Elizabeth Mattis Namgyel – The Power of an Open Question
– Pema Chodron – any of her books – Articles here
– Paramanananda – Change Your Mind

One phrase has stayed with me from Change Your Mind

‘to radiate love instead of craving it’

Just sometimes I have that sensation – I have no idea if anyone else feels the love I radiate, but (selfishly) that isn’t the point. The point being that my experience is that the world is a place into which I radiate love.

It isn’t often.
It is today…………………… and all was right with the world.

The sharp edge of reality cuts

Noise in my head – terrible making me do terrible things.
Medication – drowns out the terror and calms me down.

When the terror recedes the white noise of the medication becomes a torture all its own.
I need to turn down the white noise or I’ll go mad, a different mad.

On reduced medication the sharp edge of reality cuts.
The undulating sea of life becomes a jagged path.

Choice
– undulating side effects
– jagged cliff edge

I know
No brainer – life / danger to life

I think
No brainer – fog / clarity of thought

I need to feel alive. I’m tired of feeling dead.
I do want to live but it’s dangerous.

Good cause to feel depressed?

I’m a bit reluctant to tell the story of how I became depressed and suicidal.

Other people with the same life experiences may not find it cause to be depressed.
I’m not sure if there is some kind of validity scale in my head:-

  • Above 6.5 on this scale you have – Good cause to feel depressed
  • Below 6.5 – Just man up.

OK OK I know this is not the way it should work – and it says more about me not honouring my own feelings.

I will put my story here.. soon.

Hearing voices

I don’t hear voices or hallucinate but am inspired by people who do.
I have had friends that hear the most horrible commentaries while they live their lives. I never fail to be inspired by their courage.

I do have negative thoughts about myself and believe them. They are not voices, just thoughts.
I often assume that my thoughts define me as whatever their quality is..
clever / selfish / angry / stupid / shameful …. whatever.
Images come to mind and I feel I need to recreate the scene, the more destructive, the greater the urge to have the ‘gratification’ of making it real.
The strongest urges do have a quality of their own the notion of a smell or a hint of a half remembered familiar place. And always urgency.

When I’m very dark these thoughts seem loud and close. Anyone in the ‘real’ world seems distant and their opinions unbelievable (if they differ from my thoughts).

I was inspired to write after reading this post from Fractured. I don’t have your experiences but feel for you and wish you all the best.

 

About Anger

For years I didn’t really feel anything.
I thought I was accepting of my lot in life. But, I hadn’t actually let any feelings in.

But now….   Well at the moment anger is burning me up.

I know the following….
– that accepting / embracing a feeling can help it to move
– that any feeling can be welcomed as a gift of life

But it is just so hard, embracing anger feels so counter intuitive.

A dish straight out of the oven burns my bare hands, holding anger is like keeping that dish in my hands.
It hurts I want to drop it.

Invisible pain

Years ago I was a patient in a psychiatric ward.

I was a ‘well behaved’ service user, not problematic to the staff. I quietly planned my suicide from within an open ward. I couldn’t believe that nobody could hear the noise from inside my head. Psychiatric nurses even mistook me for a doctor one day as I visited a friend I’d made in a nearby ward (large psychiatric unit). I didn’t realise until my friend mentioned that she was supposed to be escorted at all times by a responsible adult and they’d thought I was a doctor !

Bad practice issues aside, I’m sure there was some protocol about ID missing there, what really struck me was, “Can they not see that I’m a patient!” That was the first time it struck me how invisible depression can be. I’m not sure how I thought they could read my mind….. and guess what they couldn’t.

How many of us don’t realise that people can’t see our anguish, so used to covering it up that it’s not conscious hiding anymore but habit.

So my thoughts today – find someone you trust and tell them what you’ve been hiding.