Noisy Medication

I am a musician and sound is significant to me. Pitch, rhythm, timbre I notice it all. I hear the regularity of footsteps and how some people seem to pound the ground as they walk what energy they spend on each step, I often stop to ponder wonder why.

So it is not that strange that one of the ways I have experienced anxiety and depression is as a kind of background noise. I saw one person on Twitter refer to it as a kind of tinnitus. In my darkest times my head feels very noisy, I don’t hallucinate as such, but somehow I can’t hear myself think. At the worst points my head is bursting with undecipherable screaming and shouting.

Once, after meditating – Mindfulness of Breathing – I suddenly was aware of silence in my head. It was as if I’d taken off very loud headphones. The relief was enormous. My muscles  relaxed and everything felt okay.

I do take medication over the years different kinds. One thing about medication is that is feels a bit like background music. It increases the noise in my head, but sometimes that’s a good thing because it helps to drown out the hiss of depression. But, when I’m feeling better I become aware of the noise from the medication, the muzak suddenly becomes annoying.

Just now my head is quite quiet and I’m aware of the fact, I feel well. That’s the other thing. The whole idea of noise is something I’m only aware of when it stops then, I frequently have another thought at the same time. Somehow, I know it was a part of me all along making all the noise.

Heading for a rocky patch

I know now that when I have the thought, ‘it all feels so mundane’ I should be careful, there could be dangerous times ahead.

Mundane for me means ordinary, nothing special, endless. Sometimes I feel that’s what  life is. The thing is I know life isn’t mundane. But today….

Today going about my work and home life I was struck by how it felt very dreary and that I don’t really choose to have more of this. The mistake I’ve made in the past is that I’ve discounted such thoughts as the idle background chatter of my head and not important. In the past I’ve then been taken by surprise by the suicidal thoughts crashing in seemingly out of the blue.

What makes life feel not mundane – connection.
Is it too much to ask for there to be someone I can connect with in life ?
It clearly is,  I mean I have friends and colleagues, but the feeling of real connection is so rare. Emotional honesty, therapists and counsellors call it congruence, is the life blood that surges through the best relationships and I hanker for it like an addiction. The few places I’ve found it in my life have been rare. I wish I had a friend in my life that would understand congruence and have it as their way of being – these people are so rare, so precious.

Another  factor is that I am in the process of reducing my medication. I know this is probably significant, but the side effects of what I’m on do make life harder (have been for a while now, gradualy tapering off that last 6 months or so). My choice is wade through life under the fog of medication or walk more easily through a life whose reality cuts me to  shreds. I can no longer face the weight of the side effects and I’ve been on soo many different things I’m really not up for trying anything new. So I feel it should be life without meds.

But it is so hard – the reality, the mundane nature of days that stretch into the future.

So, things that make me feel better, connection and medication. But medication just slightly anaesthetises, connection heals.

The sharp edge of reality cuts

Noise in my head – terrible making me do terrible things.
Medication – drowns out the terror and calms me down.

When the terror recedes the white noise of the medication becomes a torture all its own.
I need to turn down the white noise or I’ll go mad, a different mad.

On reduced medication the sharp edge of reality cuts.
The undulating sea of life becomes a jagged path.

Choice
– undulating side effects
– jagged cliff edge

I know
No brainer – life / danger to life

I think
No brainer – fog / clarity of thought

I need to feel alive. I’m tired of feeling dead.
I do want to live but it’s dangerous.

How to determine if you need CRAZY meds

So glad to have come across this !

Stephieopolis

“If you do need to take medication the math is really simple: which sucks less? Taking an imperfect medication that controls the symptoms of a condition that puts your life somewhere in the spectrum of “barely tolerable” to “dear God please kill me now;” or trying to get through life with that same condition which will keep getting worse the longer you go without treating it. A lot of these meds suck donkey dong, but you know what? When you’re mentally ill, and/or have some neurological problem like epilepsy or migraines, and you’re not taking any medications, or not taking the right medications, it sucks syphilitic donkey dong while a red-hot poker is being jammed up your ass.”

Courtesy of www.crazymeds.com

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