Only as lead player do I get to live this moment

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In the life of my movie – that inspired the movie of my life.

The producer and director sound like they have control, make decisions, pull the strings. But, they don’t get to embody their own visions.

Many people are director / producer / writer of the events in my daily life

  • Employers throw in curveballs that mean I have an eventful day – cue the volcano eruption
  • Family and health throw huge events in my direction – earthquake
  • Social norms dictate much of the dialogue I have with acquaintances, to the lady I hardly know but pass in corridors ‘how are you today?’ …’very well thankyou’ – background music time passing, clocks going round at speed, pages being torn off a calendar as the months fly by

Give me the role of lead player because only I get to embody the content, live in this skin, breathe this air, feel this moment and know what it is like to be on the inside of me ………. When I remember………………

Because much of the time I don’t remember and don’t live my life. I sit and watch it slack jawed as part of a passive audience. I watch things happen to myself and live in knee jerk automatic response to much around me and not noticing the slide downwards.

But even as someone that sleepwalks through life much of the time. It is all worth it for the odd moment of mindfulness, when I dive into my body and drink in the sensations, good or bad and just rejoice at virtual reality 3D life. That beats director / producer / writer every time.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “The Show Must Go On.” If you were involved in a movie, would you rather be the director, the producer, or the lead performer? (Note: you can’t be the writer!).

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I AM NOT MY THOUGHTS

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In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Me Time.”
My ideal Saturday morning.

Things I cannot control
Saturday comes after a Mon-Fri week.
Stuff happens.

Things I can control
Remember I am not my thoughts (well I try).

When I remember this things go well. I usually don’t.

I make most of my decisions during the day based on the belief that I am my thoughts.
I experience irritation and have the thought,
She’s irritating
She annoyed me

Other possibilities are
I’m experiencing irritation – interesting
I see the effect she is having on me – I’m physically tense, I’m having angry feelings.

If only I could see people acting out their own stuff just let them do their thing, wait for it to pass, noting what set them off.

That would happen on my ideal Saturday morning, I’d feel the week’s provocations as people had come into contact with me, and see my reactions – watch myself do my thing noting what sets me off.

Maybe next Saturday.

THE CONSTANT STREAM OF NOWS

The future is a strange and distant place
Can’t picture me so travelled and a stranger
It happens in my sleep before I notice
Urban dictionary slang is parlance then passé

The past hurt so I prejudge the future
Already guilty of crimes uncommitted
Knowingly I fear the bad unhappened
The good to be is out of reach, unlikely

In the process I miss the now
The elusive Shrodinger’s eel that slips between my fingers
Changed present to past by mere observation

The measuring of some things changes their wait
Unmeasurables defy the analysts but everybody buys
Better to feel the constant stream of nows