Where do I put it inwards or outwards.
Inwards and I self harm, get lost in circular thought, obsess.
Outwards is so terrifying. I can’t possibly let all that loose on the outside world, it might do damage, hurt someone, get me into trouble.
Better to keep it in. Store it. Let it fester until I burst and destroy……. something.
Funny how it comes out of a blue sky. I feel like I’m a small boat on a calm sea, not a cloud in the sky, so where did that storm come from, I can’t feel the rain or wind and yet I’m drowning suddenly, unexpectedly.
Even before the drowning started I don’t feel safe, know that something is not right, I should put on a life jacket, call for help.
Don’t be ridiculous everything is fine. You’re making a fuss.
I gasp for breath while the current pulls me under and think,
‘How could I not see it coming. I knew deep down. That unease.’
And I shut the door on the blind world and see myself. ANGRY.
So angry that I need to do something to dispel the ball of unbearable fury before it turns into the blackness that stays and eats into my every waking moment and makes me want to kill myself.